Alison's Stories

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A BLINK OF AN EYE

This book is about my life to the present day, there is stuff about sexual and mental abuse in parts of the story.  I had written a longer version, called blink of an eye, which came to 100 pages back in 2001, but never had it published it was too long.  I am planning this book called Blink of an eye will be twenty A4 pages.

This story will also explore the stage of the switch of gender.  Names have been changed to protect people identity.  There are some things left out of the book, which some people didn’t wish to feature in it, which I left some stuff out from the book. 

CHAPTER ONE

I was born in 1973 in Omagh, Co Tyrone, Northern Ireland, my natural mother couldn’t look after me, so I went into a children’s home.  I was in the children’s home for three and a half years.  A family visited the caravan site beside the children’s home.  They had one daughter and one son, for a reason I became attached to the family when they visited me at the children’s home.  I have a natural sister, which is five years younger than me, my natural mother died in year 2000, my natural father doesn’t know that I am alive and the only person can tell me the truth is no longer here. 

1976 the family that visited me fostered me, which was a good thing, at the time, I was young, but I liked and started to love them.  I was then living in a town called Limavdy, thirteen miles from Coleraine.  I could remember that if I did anything wrong, like lick a bowl with my finger, I was slapped across the hand by a baking spoon.  I became disruptive throwing clocks out the bedroom window.  Unknown to me that I started to rebel at the age of seven-eight years of age. 

I moved with the foster family to Coleraine in 1979, which was good, the hitting stopped, which was good, I liked being with the family, that I liked, I liked and loved them as a foster son at the time before I switched gender.  Thinking back, I was happy with them, with little problems or cracks showing in the relationship, I remember I kept getting into mischief, which I didn’t like.  I can remember when the family were supposed to be looking after me whilst standing on the ladder into the attic, which I fell and split my head, that was only time in Coleraine that I was neglected until the years that followed.

When living in Coleraine first time around between 1980-1984 I dressed up in female clothes, which I liked, but I didn’t know that I was a cross dresser, or that it would lead to switching gender in my thirties.  I saw my natural sister, which we were sort of close, but it was always supervised with someone with us, which perhaps was nothing wrong with that.  

On an occasion foster mother persuaded me to go to the boot of the car, unknown to me, this was abuse at the time, someone could have driven into back of the car. 

CHAPTER TWO

1984 I moved to Newry with foster family, which was a new start and new life, but the love that I had for foster family was going to be damaged as time past in Newry.  Moving to Newry from Coleraine, in the height of the troubles, I got hassled at school because of my religion, which depressed me.  I started school of September 1984, my foster sister left school and she had a job to go to in Belfast, foster brother left to go to England to study and find work.  I was on my own, which I started to steal from the family home.

1985 I was twelve, I stole foster mother’s watch and wore it in school, I stole money from foster brother and three watches from foster sister which on hindsight that it was a sign that I was cross dressing.  Little did I know it would change how I felt about my foster family, which was a slow process to the end.  I wore the watches and left them on the class room desk, for some reason, I didn’t have the knowledge of being found out.  1985 I got found out, which I was out at a bible class, foster father walked down to the church and frog marched me back home, to which I was confronted, so I took my punishment, my own watch was taken off me, I had to buy foster sister a watch and pay back the money, on top of being marched up to the bedroom, which I got a severe beating from foster mother.  Also, the computer was taken off me, was this a sign of me cross dressing, which on hindsight I would say yes, but the ignorance and punishment took my mind off the matter. 

          The very next day social worker arrived.  Foster mother spoke, saying don’t mention the other thing, she won’t understand.  That night everything changed naturally, which I used to say to my foster mother that I loved her, which I stopped.  There was nothing there to love, for some reason at the age of twelve I wasn’t happy.  I didn’t express the unhappiness, but kept it bottled up, I was automatically falling out of love with my foster mother especially.  Foster mother could hear from the kitchen what I was saying so if I said anything wrong, she came into the room to correct me.

          This all happened when we were planning to go to England on a holiday, which I got no respect, which I was treated like dirt on a shoe, perhaps it was to be expected, as they weren’t going to be proud of what happened, so my holiday wasn’t a pleasant one.  They knew how to be cruel to me, as everything good thing they took away with a bad, so brought me to England but were cruel to me for me eventually to go out of their lives.

          As time passed they cruel attitude eased, which was a good thing, so gradually things got back to normal, but this was a turning point, as the disrespect started to show as time passed.  One occasion when I spoke about what happened with a telephone, from the family, I was thumped around the kitchen, to which I thought it was a joke, but reality set in that this was for real.  They were still treating me badly, but it didn’t happen every day but occasionally. 

          From the year 1985-86 things were good, then in 1987 foster mother went into hospital for an operation, which I was to do chores when I got home from school.  I was young I thought it was a bit rough, during that time I met Cara and Julia, as friends, which was good.  As a reward from helping the foster family brought me to Ibiza for a holiday, which was good, but during the time on holiday my foster mother sexually assaulted me whilst in holiday.  I didn’t express how I felt, or what happened, I just kept it quiet, but I knew that it was wrong.  With every good thing they took away with a bad.  That was the last time that she sexually assaulted me, I wasn’t doing what they were telling me, which resulted in the sexual assault, but I felt violated.  On another occasion foster mother persuaded me to go into boot of car to hold the cheese plant, so she was more worried over the cheese plant than me!! 

CHAPTER THREE

          Foster brother when I was fifteen-sixteen years of age, when he would come home to Newry, he would call me Brat.  At the time I thought it was a nick name, which I didn’t realised he too had no respect towards me.  This started to show after 1985 gradually, but when I got go fourteen cracks started to show in the relationship. 

          Social services bought me a bed, so I would take it to my new place when I turned seventeen, a place of my own.  It was a good bed and a nice gesture, but I wasn’t to get the bed, so when I left the family home and went into children’s home, the bed got no mention.  Then I mentioned a few years later, I asked about the bed, foster mother replied saying that because she was good to me, she kept the bed, that good I kept disowning them when I was sixteen.  The bed wasn’t there’s to take, but was given to me, so she wanted the bed and not me in it, which was a simple solution, oh I forgot she allowed me to sleep in it when I visited her house, when I stayed overnight. 

          1986-87 I met friends from Lisburn, which we met through a bible camp in Annalong, which was good, which foster parents approved of them, which was good, there were no problems from foster family with seeing the friends from Lisburn.  Between 1986-89 I started going to bible camp in the summer and met the friends from Lisburn as they were going the same week. 

          1987-89 Foster mother would order stuff from a catalogue try on the clothes when they arrived, then she would say don’t suite, so clothes would come down from the attic, they were older clothes that were worn in the 1960’s and 1970’s.  Especially the shirts, Cara came up to me on one occasion saying the clothes that I was wearing were too old for me, which made me stand out and be picked on.  Foster mother did buy me clothes, with the money she was getting from social services, but the vast majority of clothes came from the attic, which I would wear the new clothes if going to someone who she knew.  When I burnt a bap, I for a slap across the face, with foster mother saying I could have burnt the house down. 

          I became friends of Cara and Julia, which I met John and Brian, unknown to me that they didn’t approve of me seeing John or being with John’s family, John’s family were good to me, also Julia.  I stayed with a family in Kilkeel, when foster parents when away on holiday, which I liked between 1986-87.  I started to bottle things up and kept that secret within myself.  During the year of 1987 I went passed Julia’s house, which I kept going around in circles, Julia came out of the house to ask if I was okay, I replied saying that I was being neglected and that I ran away from home.  Sort of foolish thing to say, Julia found out that I lied, which she ended the friendship because of it and on a number of occasions when I kept putting my foot in it. 

          Foster parents found out, then from that day on wards foster parents didn’t approve of Julia, which the name Julia became banned in the family home, all because she was good to me and forgave me, in foster parent’s eyes this was seen as good, so then they disapproved.  At the time I thought they disapproved of John itself, but was John parents that they disapproved of more so.  Foster father would call me dopey if I did anything wrong, but this was 1988-89 and I didn’t start medication until 2001. 

          1989 When I would go round to Julia’s or Cara’s, foster mother would give me chores to around  the house like defrosting the freezer, tidying up the shed, so I was always in there company, so I didn’t have the freedom of seeing friends, this was at the age of fifteen-sixteen years of age, a few months before I parted company, which was the trouble that started to the process of parting company with the foster family.

          1989 I turned sixteen was a turning point, which the relationship between foster family would come to an end.  Foster mother kept brushing my hair down, when I brushed it back, I wasn’t allowed to see Julia, so I created an excuse to walk the dog or go somewhere, then I was given chores to do around the house.  I wasn’t allowed to speak about anything that happened from home to friends, which there was little to talk about so when I met Julia and Cara, there was nothing to talk about.  The more crueler that they were towards me, the more I wanted to rebel and push against it.  I started to show more loyalty towards Julia than towards my foster family at the time, which wasn’t difficult as Julia was kind to me, but foster family wasn’t. 

          1989 I left school and during the summer of 1989 problems started to show within the foster family, I was to start a training programme, which I liked the tutor, but because I liked it foster family thought they would change that and put a spanner in the works.  Resulting in me going to another training class within the training organisation.  I liked doing visual communications then was transferred to mechanics.  It seemed anything that I liked was taken away from me by foster family.  I started to run away from home, which I ran away to Coleraine and Lisburn.  I became unsettled towards the end of the year of 1989, which at the time the family were losing respect for me, which you could say it showed earlier but this was when the disrespect started to show. 

Turned sixteen, finding freedom, only to be grounded, A friend asked me to a party, a bit late home to find am grounded, out camping with a group, someone spilled beer on my sleeping bag only to be grounded.  No matter what I did found I was to be grounded, going out on my own wasn’t easy unless I got grounded.  I met my natural mother back in 1989 for the first time, which was good.  When back home I wasn’t allowed to think about meeting her again, foster mother asked if I would like to see her again, I replied with not sure maybe, so she grounded me.  Running away solved the problem of being grounded. 

          After running away so many times social services felt It was best for me to go into a children’s home, which foster family didn’t approve of because they took me out of a children’s home and I went back into one thirteen and half years later.  I was unsettled to which I didn’t know what I wanted anymore, I was confused, but I didn’t want to be living with foster family anymore.  It was a few months before contact was resumed, as friends, but wouldn’t live with them anymore, I wanted to love them again, so when I went back to them in 1990, I wanted to regain the love, but it wasn’t going to happen. 

NORMA BELL WROTE ME THIS POEM WHEN I WAS IN ORANA CHILDRENS HOME 1990.

This is a prayer Alison that will help you where you feel lonely. Lord I feel lonely, lonely right to the core of my being; I don’t feel wanted or needed by anyone. I am not sure if anyone even cares whether I live or die. I suppose I’m just feeling sorry for myself, but this loneliness is almost like physical pain, it hurts Lord, it hurts badly.

Lord Jesus, in this prayer I want to bring the pain of my loneliness to you and place it in your handbags, you know what it is like to be lonely. In the garden of Gethsemane you were almost crushed by your loneliness, like me now, you felt friendlessness and abandoned. Like men now, your hearty was breaking from grief and sorrow and the feeling that nobody really cared about what happened to you. I don’t like these feelings, lord I don’t want them they are no good for me. They are too dark and controlling.

They make me lose my perspective, make me think too much about myself and not enough about others. The only way I am going to handle my loneliness is to reach out to other people – to think about them and their needs and not dwell upon how miserable I feel. Call me forth from this tomb of loneliness Lord Jesus call me forth to a new like, just as you did for Lazarus.

Help me leave those dead feelings behind. Help me to come into the warm sunshine of your love of those whom I know who care for me. Will you of lord of my life. I can never be really alone. You’re always there, only a prayer away.

Thank you for your friendship, thank you for not giving up on me even when I’m not just for all eternity but right here, right now.

AMEN

          Foster mother then stopped brushing my hair down, which I wanted in the first place but running away from home solved this problem, which I wanted them to stop being cruel to me.  I found the children’s home okay, which I accepted that it was part of my new life.  Foster mother started buying me items for the flat, which was good, which I had to pay for the items, unknown to me, she saw me as a cash machine after when I turned sixteen.  For a while foster family were good and nice to me, which I liked, so I thought this was a good thing, but it was short lived.  I kept going back and from the foster family, which when I was with them, I wanted to leave them, when I was away from them, I wanted them to be in my life but the way that they were starting to treat me badly again, started to show. 

CHAPTER FOUR

          I was to part company after a few months, which didn’t come as a surprise, there is so many times you can swap and change, but my time with them was coming to an end again.  Several months passed, which I went into a training flat at the children’s home, which was a good thing to prepare me living out in the community which I liked.  Foster family liked this idea, which I moved into a housing executive flat on the outskirts of the town.  I resumed friendship with a female friend who used to live in the children’s home, which I got into bad company, which opened the door again for me to be reunited towards the foster family.  The friend took me to the cleaners, but it was a shock that I needed, which I became stricter about my money.  I also had to move away to the other side of the town. 

          I knew when I went back to them, that I didn’t love them, which the love had gone, which I hoped one day that I would then love them again, but that day was never to come.  When I resumed contact with the foster family was in a pickle, which the family helped me out, but I had to pay back them money that they borrowed to me to help me out, which I was okay with.  This was to be the last time that contact was properly resumed.  The first two years of resumed contact was good, which I could see a change in attitude, but in reality, they didn’t respect me still, I thought one day that would respect me properly again.  Things started to go down hill again, I thought one day they will respect me, but it was wish full thinking, that day would never come.

          I started to buy female watches, which was caused by the problems from leaving foster family, I didn’t know why but I had a sense to be feminine and was drawn to the fact that I was changing but I didn’t know what and why.  Thinking back, this was a sign that started the process of the female side of me.  This was to be a very slow process, that would be a long time in the making.  I would give the watches to female friends, but I wasn’t to know the full extent of my feminity. 

          I moved from my 1^st housing executive flat, to the other side of the town, which I was moving to a new area with new problems.  Fires would be the cause of the disturbance, which there were fires when I lived there.  I moved to Carlingford Park in Newry, I accepted it, but I didn’t like the environment, I got hassled around the town still, which progressed from school, so I got hassle in Carlingford Park.  Social services put me in touch with a be friender, which was good.  So, we went out to the cinema and snooker hall.  It was to be eighteen months living in Carlingford Park, after having to leave due to intimidation from a neighbour from reporting him to the housing executive after him smashing the glass of my door to the flat.  On one of the fires, I was rescued when I called for help, the flat was smoke damaged, but I was okay. 

          With moving out the housing executive didn’t deem me as homeless as I had voluntarily moved out, without going through there system, so they didn’t see me as a homeless.  Foster mother allowed me to move into her house as a temporary measure for a few days, which was good, but their goodness was to be short lived.  With moving out of the flat, foster mother found a handbag and jewellery, so she started piling on the pressure saying that I stole her broaches that she lost, so she went and searched through all my belongings to gain control, there was very little I could do about it, but it was a step to the friendship gradually coming to an end.   With finding me with female jewellery and a handbag, foster mother rang a shrink to get me assessed on finding this problem in her life.  The phycologist told foster mother that it would pass, to satisfy her, but it wasn’t a gender doctor. 

          I moved up to an ex social worker’s house, which I was to be there for two and a half years, which was a long time.  Social worker had someone else living in the house, with her two daughters, which we got on okay.  There were a few problems along the way, but that was Newry for you!  I put in a transfer from Newry back to Coleraine, which I wanted to move back, I was under a bit of control from my foster family, but the choice was mine to move back to Coleraine.  Foster father called to me with a type writer, which he wasn’t impressed waiting on me, to go back to male mode because I was dressed up. 

          Foster brother was getting married, which I was invited then uninvited then I was invited again, which this happened a few times, to which I sort of knew that they didn’t want me there.  I wasn’t happy about it, which I accepted it, but it was still punishment from leaving the foster family of going into a children’s home.  They were nice to show the video of the reading but it was a stepping stone to the friendship distancing itself a few years later, when I met someone at the leisure centre. 

          I took an over dose, which I admitted myself into hospital.  I was very unhappy at the time.  I was on a training scheme, which one trainee threw all my work into the canal, that I had done, which added to the problems, on my recovery back to reality and I told them what happened, he got the sack, from the training organisation.  When living at ex social services I started to cross dress, which the landlady accepted it but foster mother thought she wouldn’t approve of it.  1994 Foster mother sat down beside me at her picnic table at her house, she said she wouldn’t hurt a hair on my head, did she think I was that foolish I would forget all the hitting, I took it as guilt, knowing she couldn’t admit the truth.  That was several years after the hitting at stopped, so with that you sort of knew you weren’t going to be hit again from the age of seventeen. 

CHAPTER FIVE

          1996 I moved back to Coleraine, which I got help from the foster family, when people were around me in my life they were good to me, which on this occasion was nice to me, which they helped me to move into the new flat in Coleraine.  I joined a few groups in Coleraine, which I started to express myself in feminity by buying female jewellery, which the process was to start, I felt free and able to do my own thing, as foster family were still living in Newry, which gave me space and distance. 

          1997 after noticing that I was wearing female jewellery on a visit to her in Newry, she told me off for wearing jewellery saying that I should have stopped, like this stranger who told her anything to passify her.  Lack of empathy and support showed, that they disliked the idea of my feminine side coming out, on prior to leaving to go home, she told me that I had changed when I came out of the children’s home, which I saw as a good thing, before I was a quiet mouse to be walked over, but I was speaking back to foster mother that she didn’t like and didn’t want.  It meant that they would have to respect me, but it wasn’t going to be possible.  A short while later foster parents visited me in Coleraine, foster mother said she would disown me if I didn’t stop cross dressing.  The cross dressing started to take hold, when I was home from being out in the morning.  People kept telling me it was wrong, so I kept stopping and starting. 

          A friend got me involved in a project in London, called Values Into Action (No Longer in operation), which I went over for committee meetings, which I was very good opportunity to have, which I enjoyed it, sadly the organisation went bankrupt.  I met people there and became friends.  It was a good part of my life, which I liked.  I travelled over to London every two months, it gave me an opportunity from a project in Ballymoney, which they were looking for trustees from Northern Ireland, so I got elected.  

          The friends from Lisburn invited me to their weddings, which was good, which I liked but I was going as a male, but I wanted to be feminine.  These feelings came off the back of having distance from foster parents but I was glad that we weren’t living beside each other. 

          1998 I was asked to go onto a supported employment scheme that I didn’t think I was much suited for it as it was very structured towards disability, during the start of the scheme was very rocky as I had problems with the job coach, when I aired my views to my foster family and the people above the job coach and I was not having my voice heard.  I had to go to an independent person away from the family, as my foster family knew best as always.  When I finally got my voice heard I had it laughed in my face my foster family, which saying I was always right, that to me meant that I didn’t mean anything to them just someone that they can claim that they had done their best for me.    During the time it took it toll on me as I found it too stressful not being listened to.  They didn’t think about that when they were going against my wishes or not listening to what I was saying.  As time passed things were sort of okay, which small cracks started to appear in the relationship between foster family. 

          I knew a friend from Coleraine, which we kept in touch with me living in Newry, during the end of the friendship, he snooped in cupboards in the flat.  It later resulted in him getting a friend to make hoax phone calls with heavy breathing.  He got found out, the friendship ended. 

Sonya my natural sister informed me that she was going to contact Ellen and build up a daughter and mother Ellen relationship.  I said to her that I was happy for her to do so, and for her to make her own decision about it, but I had to tell her why I was against Ellen’s husband and Sonya   couldn’t take that on board at the time, all she could see was sweetness and lightness and I knew that Sonya would be disowned by them in time, I knew that their generosity wasn’t genuine and I knew that they weren’t sincere people even though Ellen was Sonya’s and my mother I learnt with being abused who was false and who was genuine, and I knew that with the two of them together that Sonya would get hurt one way or another.  Sonya’s stepmother died a few years previous and I felt that she was looking for a mother figure; she was looking for it in Ellen.  All I could do was sit back and wait for this to happen, as Sonya started to take sides and she saw me as causing waves and not wanting the best for Sonya, she felt that I hated Ellen, in fact I didn’t I knew how to protect myself from people like Ellen, even though she may have been my natural mother, that didn’t make a difference to me.  So, I said to Sonya that I didn’t want any part in what she was doing with Ellen and her husband and everything was going very well for her.  Sonya decided to arrange a meeting for Ellen, her husband and, Sonya and myself unknown to me.  If I knew that I was meeting Ellen I wouldn’t have turned up as I decided that I wouldn’t have any contact and I blocked any feelings I had out and no one could ever interfere with them and I could know that if anything happened to me or to Ellen that I had made the right decision.  I turned up to meet Sonya    not knowing that I was meeting Ellen and Sonya, I was friendly for a bit and then I decided that I couldn’t stand any more of them and decided to leave after a quick cup of coffee.  I was very angry with Sonya and said to her

          I was happy for her to be with Ellen and her husband and to leave me out of it, I wanted nothing to do with it.  I had to be firm and strong, I said to Sonya    that I couldn’t trust her and if she ever did anything like that again I would disown her.  I didn’t want anybody being in my life that who was false and did things behind my back, even though her intentions may have been honourable, they weren’t appreciated.  Sonya thought I was callous, but I knew Sonya would agree with what I was saying, and Sonya had built up a good bond with Ellen and her husband.  A few months down the line I realized that the contact had ceased between Ellen and her husband, I knew that something had happened, but it had shown Sonya the hard way that through my experience that I had gone through with them and through other circumstances had gone through Sonya could learn from mine and not to get involved with anyone.  Ellen sadly died in 2000 from the flu. 

1998 my partner-wife at the time took her life, we had been seeing each other in secret, we got married but it never worked out, we became good friends though.  I then met someone else over a year later. I met Gloria 1992-93, we had a difficult time and things weren’t easy for us.  We were like soul mates.  Gloria features in my books of poetry. 

1998 the foster family moved to Portstewart, which we got on, but things were to change coming into the year 1998-99.  I met a partner from going to the local leisure centre, which I started to spend as much time with her as possible, which meant that I was spending less time with foster family, which foster mother said time that I have family, I thought only when its suites them, foster mother was jealous of me spending time with someone, which she didn’t approve of.my partner.  I moved into to my partners house, but I kept on the flat in Coleraine.  I bought a motorcycle, which to give me freedom, foster mother asked how was I going to get it into the flat, then she said I won’t allow you to get a motorcycle.  I didn’t let it stop me, just she didn’t want me to progress with them being in my life.  With foster family not in my life then I had freedom. 

          My partner thought she was pregnant, which she was trying to shut me out of her life, which hurt.  It turned out not to be the case.  She was seventeen years older than me at the time, it was difficult on me at the time.  My partner wanted me to love in with her, originally, she wanted me to give up my flat and live in a caravan, which was a bad idea.  The first six months of the relationship was difficult, we had someone who was wanting to split my partner and myself up.  I thought by moving in with her I would get more time to spend with her but it turned out it was less time.  My partner and I started to enter competitions, which I won a few times, like a coach for a day, a meal for two and money.  We had a winning streak between us, which I got featured in the local newspaper.  During the latter year of the relationship, she got ill from fibromyalgia / ME. 

          When living with my partner I was in a motorcycle accident, which I knocked down someone by accident, which I wasn’t happy about, I changed the motorcycle soon after, it didn’t stop me from driving, it was ruled we were both at fault, so there was no case. 

          1999-2000 I only visited foster parents once a month, which contact became distant, this was the start of the process of parting company, but it was to take a year for it to happen.  When it was coming to an end of the relationship between my partner, foster mother spoke about going to the flat to check what I had in it, so I then took the keys off her and then parted company.  Then she left me a nasty voicemail on my mobile phone, so she sort of knew that it was coming to an end, which was left with a nasty message, which was year 2000.  The only way she spoke to me was being cruel, shortly after parting company with my partner, foster mother said she was glad that I split up, which I didn’t want to hear at that time.  It was mental abuse, which I was gradually breaking away from.  This was to be the last time we would be reunited apart from meeting in 2007 and 2012 to check if I had made the right choice, which she proved me right. 

CHAPTER SIX

          I made a few wrong choices when I left my partner, I joined up to a book keeping course that would cost me £700, I found in a short period of time that it wasn’t working, I couldn’t stop payments, so I had to continue paying for the course with instalments till it was paid off, but the course was no good to me, that was on the back of disowning foster family and parting company with my partner.  I saw it as a valuable lesson. 

          Summer 2000 Once I stopped contact with trying to be friends with the partner, she resumed contact, which we became friends in secret, she would ring after 11pm and 1am to talk on the phone, we would meet once a week, which I did shopping for her sometimes.  The friendship lasted for eighteen months, which was okay, but she met someone who objected to my cross dressing, which put an end of the friendship.

          I had to keep the friendship quiet from friends as if it got out it would be the end of the friendship, so I became secretive around that time, but a few people sussed that I was meeting someone in secret, but they couldn’t work out who!  I took it badly, but came to accept it as it was part of life, I was using her for company and she was using me too, not a good basis for a friendship but on hindsight I saw it was it happened and moved on. 

          I decided to change the motorcycle, which I bought a lemon, I got ripped off badly for parts, so I decided to scrap the bike as a lemon, so took a gamble and bought another motorcycle that was sitting.  The person who I bought the motorcycle from, became my mechanic until I left Coleraine.  I had a red Honda 100cc, a blue Honda 125G, green Yamaha 125, which was the lemon, a red Honda Rebel125, which I then had two other blue Honda Rebels of the ten years of driving a motorcycle. 

          2000-01 I was involved in an advocacy project in Ballymoney, which a friend helped me to be part of, which I liked but I became unsettled and left in 2001.  A went back a few years later, which didn’t work out.  This was off the back from parting company from foster family and parting company from my partner.  I wasn’t making the right choices at this time of my life, which I thought were right but some were in correct.  I started to suffer from depression, which I took it badly, this was the first time that I was on medication. 

          From 2002 to 2006 I went to boot sales, drove the motorcycle to Fermanagh and Newry, very little happened between 2002 and 2006.  

CHAPTER SEVEN

          2009-2025 I switched gender from 2006 onwards, I see myself as a woman, I hated being male and everything connected to it.  I left the Co. Londonderry town to move to Belfast, which I established myself as a writer.  I went into hospital a few times, I sorted myself out.  I was subjected to a sexual assault after me complaining that I was being hit.   It took me a long time to recover properly.  It affected me for a long time, took years for me to be myself again.  Values Into Action closed down and I left another advocacy organisation.  I have had two books published.  I have no family, but a good support of friends.  I sold the motorcycle when I moved to Belfast.  My natural sister was trouble so I cut my ties with her as I wanted a quiet life.  I am involved with a few organisations that support the health service, I use my experience to help others. 

I have had several publications in books, magazines, newsletters and books.  Friends are inspired by me, from my writing as I have n audience of sixty people that I send my poems to. 

Peace & Harmony,

To the world,

Peace to live life.

As happy as you wish,

Be joyful for Peace & Harmony,

In the world & the Universe.

Love & Light

Ms Alison Black © 2011

‘Open The Box’

Open the box, see the delights fly out of the box,

Imagine the Positive-ness of the things,

We see come out of the box.

Imagine what we can do with the things,

That come out of the box,

The secrets of the things coming out of the box.

Love & Light

Ms Alison Black ©2013